A Review of Batman vs Superman: The Worst Movie Ever.

First of all I’d like to say that this review is 110% completely Spoiler-free.

So Wonder Woman Kills both of them in the end. That was a shocker, I have to admit. They went through the whole thing together, then teamed up with her to beat Doomsday AND Brainiac, (at least the Trailers left something unrevealed eh?) and then Gal Gadot’s terrible impersonation of the character caps it off by killing them both in cold blood, laughing about it for an uncomfortably long amount of time, then dancing offscreen humming show tunes from the forties. Really a terrible anticlimax to an awful film.

Though really all that’s nothing in comparison to Jesse Isenberg’s horrid performance as Lex Luthor. I mean you had to see that coming from the outset with that casting. I mean does that guy look like aging, genius, bald, sometimes ambiguously african-american super villain to you? And on top of that his performance was both totally underdone and ridiculous when he dared to branch out. Also he looked like he smelled bad.

But lets look past all that and instead focus on everything else that was terrible. I was so confused all the time by everything. Why did Batman spend the first hour of the movie doing James Bond stuff like stealing information and shooting guns and infiltrating space stations, instead of talking like an emphysema victim and violating civilian’s privacy and cell-phone warrantees like Batman’s supposed to? Why would I ever care about big bug things in Batman’s dreams? Why doesn’t Wonder Woman have massive tits and completely bare legs like she’s supposed to and like historically accurate Amazons which were totally real did? Who the hell are all those non-white people in the weird found-footage video movie-within-a-movies supposed to be?

These questions will forever plague me which is why everyone involved in this should be fired, then neutered so they can’t breed any more cinematic abominations into the world.

Also the music sucked. Thank you for reading, and happy start of the month.

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