Why Christmas Movies are Terrifying

Now, what I’m about to say may come as a shock to many of you, so I firmly suggest any younger readers stop now, because this isn’t going to be easy to hear.

Everybody ready? Deep breath now. Okay.

According to modern scientific reasoning, Santa Claus does not exist. Yes, I know, it’s upsetting. Feel free to cry about it, there’s no shame in that.

Yes, it’s true. Despite what the cartoons told you, and what the guy at the mall told you, and what your parents told you, and what your Jewish friends and their parents remained in tight-lipped silence about, there is no such thing as Santa Claus.

MerryOldSanta

Every time you say that, the lack of an elf drops dead.

 

This is not the case in Christmas movies though.

Indeed, most Christmas movies that don’t simply explore how awful life is posit a reality in which there is, truly, a Santa Claus. In the world depicted in these films there is, in point of fact, an obese, elderly, though seemingly immortal man living at the geographic north pole with his wife, several kryptonian caribou, and a small army of name-brand toy producing ljósálfar indentured servants, who’s persona is an ironic fusion of a pagan temple busting Greek Christian saint and the Norse god Odin, and who, on a night shortly after the winter solstice, uses said Super Elk to travel at relativistic speeds with a bag of holding in order to deliver toys to all the non-Jewish kids he’s determined are “nice” through remote viewing in exchange for baked goods (also, potentially the worship of millions of children if we’re going the American Gods route on this).

In any case, the children of this movie-world are very much aware of the existence of this nigh-omniscient demigod. The adults, however, with the exception of a few eccentrics who’s real-life ilk we probably shouldn’t be encouraging our children to hang out with, no longer believe in Santa as they once did, because all adults are stuffy and closed minded and no fun and YOU WILL BE TOO, ONE DAY!

But, wait. Why don’t they believe? Santa actually does exist in these worlds, remember? Toys actually show up under the tree every year with no other logical explanation. Naughty kids presumably do receive samples from Santa’s geographically impossible coal mine. There’s literal, physical evidence that shows up every year. Quantifiable proof of Claus. No one is skeptical enough to try to refute that. Unless all parents in this world are in super passive aggressive marriages and just assume their spouse bought all those gifts without telling them but never ever confront them about it, they have no reason to assume Santa doesn’t exist.

There’s only one possibility. Santa alters their memories. As part of his routine of breaking and entering into people’s homes, delivering presents and fossil fuels, and eating sugary offerings, Santa also reaches telepathically into the minds of sleeping mom and dad and implants them with the memories of going out and buying the gifts he left, wrapping them, hiding them, and getting up in the middle of the night to stick them in the living room and eat cookies. You hear that kids? Santa makes mommy think she cheated on her diet when she didn’t.

But it goes farther still! Some of the families Santa delivers to are undoubtedly going to be very poor. The kinds of families that keep a close eye on all their expenses, marking every dollar they spend, or else risk getting evicted or going without food. These kinds of families would notice when they didn’t actually spend any money on that ten speed bike they have vague, slightly conflicting memories of buying for Timmy. So, if Santa really wants to keep up his little masquerade, he has to not only mind-rape parents across the world, but steal the money it takes to buy the things he gives their kids from them. (In which case, why bother with the elves? He can just buy the toys at the friggin department store. Is the man just that intent on copyright infringement?)

So, what we have here is a minor deity/fairy/sufficiently advanced alien, who invades people’s homes and uses dark magic and credit card fraud on them while judging their kids.

Say, exactly how complicated is converting to Judaism?

One Reply to “Why Christmas Movies are Terrifying”

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